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Life On the Other Side Of  The Runway

Greetings earthlings.Yes, it is time for some more periodic ramblings from one of HMs finest (ex) baggage stackers and military genius. On this occasion I thought that you might like a view from the world of commercial aviation, as compared to the RAF. If you answered yes: please read on, if no: feel free to turn the page. 

As you might know I am currently gainfully employed by Servisair (or CircusAir by our detractors) at Inverness as a Ramp Agent.  Our rivals: British Airways handlers here weren’t recruiting at the time I was looking and are probably too wise to employ a time expired old geezer like me. Now, Ramp Agent is just a posh name for traffic monkey.  But unlike TG 18 (Movs), civilian handling agents provide many more services than just flinging bags around. I have been back to school to learn the black arts of ground power, toilet & water servicing, ac start ups, tug driving/pushbacks, and de-icing (when required…which is usually 11 months a year here in the far north !). About the only thing we don’t do is wave at taxiing planes with day-glo coloured table tennis bats, put the petrol in or fix them with band aids. Also covered on my induction course were equal opportunities, health & safety and manual handling. Aviation has apparently overtaken the building industry as regards work related injuries. From talking to colleagues it transpires these subjects are relatively new to the company and gaining in importance (though there are employees who are very resistant to the new regime). So, perhaps surprisingly, the Forces appear to be way ahead on these matters. As you may guess, attributes from my former life stood me in good stead with quickly getting to grips with the new environment. 

A RAF Mover can really shine and progress fast in this job, coming ready equipped so to speak with (hopefully) commitment, good time keeping and forward planning skills as well as the basic logistics know how. Whilst not wishing to be too disparaging to some of my current colleagues, I have to say that they could learn a lot from JSP 327 & AP 3150. (You’re a sad man, Kirby, if you still remember those manuals … or were they vehicle chocks !). Watching them watch a plane land & taxi in before realising all the steps are at the wrong height, or get halfway through loading before wondering if the distribution (same as used on the previous flight) is correct for this one can be most amusing. Or frustrating if you are on the same team and haven’t managed to do the prep yourself. Sadly, the job pays peanuts so sometimes you get monkeys. Doubt if I could live solely on these wages, unless moving up to the Dispatcher or Management levels. But it tops up the service pension nicely, and I wasn’t planning on doing it forever.  

That said: we have a pretty good crew here (some real characters), get by ok, and (nearly) always get the flights out on time. The shifts aren’t too bad: 4 days on two off, averaging 40hrs a week, but some early starts or late finishes. All those 0430 wake up calls for wheels @ 0500 as a MAMS Commando were good experience for this job. It’s also interesting to see that the problems encountered in the brightly coloured airline world are often identical to those I experienced working with camouflaged transporters. Personnel shortages: trying to turn-round a full pax (on & off) Airbus in 20 mins (the requirement by an airline founded by someone called Stelios) with 4 guys (including 1 non driver) cannot be done I assure you. Equipment shortages; one of only 2 noddy tugs here off-road awaiting spares for 4 weeks and just 3 sets of steps to sometimes share between 4 concurrent ac turn-rounds. Thank goodness for planes with their own front air-stairs, I say. Inverness is one of the fastest growing airports in UK: the current infrastructure was built when there were just a couple of internal UK 737s per day. Now you can add another scheduled 737, two Airbuses, 2-3 146s and a ½ dozen Jetstream puddle jumpers on an average day. Plus numerous international charters ranging from MD80s to Fokker 100s. Sometimes we are even graced by a visiting Giant Lockheed Hercules Transport Aircraft, for example Red Arrows or Falcons support for a local jamboree. So: busy busy busy – doing more & more with the same amount of guys and kit (sound familiar to you ?) is the order of the day. The management assure us that there is light at the end of the tunnel (now where have I heard that before ?). A new or extended terminal, more ramp space and extra ACHE are all on our Xmas wish list. Particularly nice would be some sort of transfer loader for when other stations forget that we normally only loose load bags here and send us a plane with ULDs on. Fingers crossed it’s only happened once (so far). And flow clashes are often the norm: unlike the self proclaimed ‘Home Of Air Transport & AAR’ base in Oxfordshire we cannot tell the airlines to change their timings to suit us. Sorry ‘bout the dig BZZ, couldn’t resist it.    

Now, a Logistics Article would not be complete without statistics would it ? For those interested: passenger movements here are expected to reach 500,000 this year. Not bad for a wee provincial airport where we still chase sheep off the runway before each landing. So: talking of passengers – where would we be without them eh ? Probably less stressed than dealing with only cargo I can tell you. Still, they do cause much merriment at times. I’ll start to close now (hurrah, I hear the cry) with a few amusing anecdotes. How about the traveller who got on the wrong plane (and fortunately got off again in time). Whilst passenger services might be said to be at fault for not giving her clearer boarding directions: if you knew you were flying with British Midland (red white and blue colours) why would you walk out to an orange and white plane with EasyJet helpfully written on the side. Or the chap who, having shown his passport as ID at initial check in, promptly put it in his hold bag…..which then had to be retrieved from the ac so he could get through to departures. Fortunately the flight was tech u/s (yes, we get those too) at the time so it wasn’t too much hassle. Then there was the most unusual Special Dietary Notification: “passenger X has a phobia of onions“. Finally, the Pressing The Wrong Button Numpty Award goes to……a recent BMI captain. Whilst waiting for the plane to taxi out we got a call to standby to put the steps back on as a passenger was ill. Turned out the captain had inadvertently played an emergency announcement tape through the cabin and Mrs Miggins took a funny turn. Fortunately the stewards calmed her down (probably with a large G&T) and the flight departed without further ado. Hope these made you smile.      

So there it is: a little insight into commercial vs military air transport. Sounds similar ? – yes. Would I job swap back ? – no.  Despite the hassle and free peanuts it’s still better than doing it in an obscure desert lugging a rifle around. So if you fancy a change: a ramp agent post will become available here in the Highlands on the 1^st November. Me ? I’m off on the piste again – migrating south again to winter in the Alps working for a ski travel company. Thanks for listening. Regards to all. And for those in harms way (Friday night in Gander ?) – keep yer ‘eads down.

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